Growing up in a small village back in Czech Republic, I always had the feeling of not belonging. I felt as if there was no place for me anywhere. My mom had me when she had recently turned eighteen and I was result of her first time after dating my father for two years. When I was five years old, my mom got remarried to my stepfather and we moved
from the city to a small village. We built a house and had a beautiful big garden. My brother was born when I was five and I could always notice the difference in treatment we received. My mom did the best she could in that moment; I know she didn’t know any better.
My brother was pretty spoiled because he was the Benjamin of the family so he destroyed all of his toys and got new ones. All of his life, my stepfather had very short temper. We would often have nice times, family vacations, nice weekends out of town, I have great memories about that. Unfortunately, he had sudden changes in mood and if things were not as he wanted or expected I was beaten up. The physical abuse was barely tolerable, however hearing constantly that one is stupid, fat, worthless… This truly does get under one’s skin.
Based on these negative feelings about myself, that I was a mistake that shouldn’t have happened to my mom, of cruel kids that didn’t want to take me in to their circles because I was a girl from the city… and thinking that I’m worthless, I was choosing my future relationships.
This also took me into the dark place of self-destructive behavior such as cutting my skin and developing an eating disorder when I was 11 years old. The love I didn’t feel and thinking that appearances are the most important thing got too deep under my skin.
I was battling my eating disorder, not every day, but mainly in times of stress. When I felt empty inside I was reaching for food to make me feel better, to fill up my body when the soul was empty.
It eventually got to the point that I was even worried about my life. I felt like some kind of dark passenger took over me, over my mind and over my body. I couldn’t think about anything else but food and how much better it would make me feel.
I started with fitness when I was a teenager for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be skinny, so I was running almost daily. This daily running damaged my knees and I wasn’t able to be active for a long time. In those times I was painting and writing poems to get the hurt and pain out of my chest.
I started lifting when I moved to the USA. Being active here is so much easier. Everything is more convenient than in Europe, where I used to live.
When I look back, it really amazes me to see how the puzzle of life does its own thing. It isn’t asking you your opinion, it isn’t asking you for your permission, it has its own plan for you. And you have the choice. You can learn and grow or you can stay still and be unhappy.
The river must flow on its path to reach the destinations, and even if it doesn’t know exactly where it will take you, it still flows.
I learned to flow. I stopped going against the flow a couple of years ago.
The life changing moment for me was when I received a book from my mom; Louise Hay’s “Love your life”.
In one part of the book, Louise was suggesting to go in front of the mirror and say: “I love you, I really, really love you. “
And then I realize the sad truth. I don’t love myself. Why should I?? I didn’t achieve anything special. I’m no one and so why should one love themselves? Aren’t you supposed to make everyone around you happy and then you will feel happy?
In that moment I realized something is not right. I started to listen more, I started to learn more. I opened not only my eyes but mainly my mind and my heart.
Then one year later I started CrossFit. In those days I was still struggling with bulimia which was leaving me feeling hopeless and very weak. When I started CrossFit, I had to come at least two times a week. You sign up and you have to come. So the days that I had to wake up very early I knew I can’t be binging. I wouldn’t be able to wake up. I would be too weak. So I couldn’t be binging daily… only the days that I knew I could sleep in. Then I started to realize how much hard work I’m putting into my work outs and I’m ruining it with my nutrition. I’m destroying my body and I didn’t know how to stop. I did look online and bought books, but no one had the answer on how to defeat bulimia after it being a huge part of your life for 19 years!
That’s where I started my journey of self-development. That’s where I started to work on myself to be better, stronger, healthier…
It didn’t happen in a day or a month, but every single day I do my best to learn more, to become a better person, to lift others up and to motivate them.
The worst feeling is when you think you are alone! And trust me… You are not!
We all have our pasts, we all have our struggles, but it is up to you how your tomorrow will be!
That’s why I want to start this blog, to share what helped me, to help those who really want to be helped.
Because until you start loving yourself, until you start investing in yourself, until you start working on yourself to be the best version of yourself… You won’t be able to use all of your potential.
I can’t imagine a worse feeling than knowing you just wasted your life surviving day by day and you didn’t find your purpose here. Because you are unique. We all are and each of us is here for a different reason.
Let’s work on our mind, body and spirit together to grow into the best version of ourselves! Let’s make this world better place to live! Because our futures are up to us!